Sexiness is next to godliness
Since one of my pet peeves is undefined acronyms, please be advised that CCM in this post stands for "Contemporary Christian Music".
Satire mode on. Today I'm Martin Luther and Paul the Apostle combined.
I’ve finally figured it out! I’ve discovered the key to 21st century Christianity! Yes! I’ve discovered that to be a spiritual role model in the church that Jesus Christ started 1977 years ago, you have to be sexy! That’s right! Just look at all the beautiful Christian music artists out there. Oooh they’re hot! Boy, I could just watch them onstage all day. Forget what they’re singing…I just want to watch them! They are sizz-lin’! You see, we’ve finally discovered that the key to Christianity is outward appearance. The world’s been saying it all along, and we’re finally catching on. To become great in the kingdom of God, you gotta be SEXY!
Just think about it. If you’re a Christian teacher like Joyce Meyer, you don’t want saggy skin as you get older. Better get a face lift! And are you an average-looking teen with a killer voice looking for a career in the Christian music industry? Plastic surgery might get you in the door. Don’t forget breast enhancement...the bigger the better – the male constituency of your fan club will instantly double.
I remember the Biblical story of the prophet Samuel picking the successor to King Saul. He went to the house of Jesse to pick one of his sons. As Samuel was looking at each of the fine, handsome young lads in turn, he thought, "Surely this is the one!" But God told him, "People look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." Well, I guess this just goes to show that since the Christian church’s purpose is to please people, not God, then we need to put beautiful people on the stages of Christian churches everywhere.
My audience may not know that I’m a songwriter. But an unattractive songwriter such as myself just can’t make it in today’s Christian world. I’m a Leah living in a Rachel world. But it doesn’t matter anyway…I can’t sing very well. So since I’m only a songwriter, and not a singer-songwriter, I’ll never experience the fame that all the talented, beautiful singer-songwriters out there receive, like Sara Groves and Jennifer Klein. And since I’m not dynamic (I’m sorta laid back) and since I don’t have threadbare jeans, no CCM Magazine columnist would be able to write anything interesting to describe me to my non-existent fan-base. So I guess my gifts just don’t cut it in the 21st century Christian church. And since I am not "internationally acclaimed" like Martha Munizzi is, and since none of my albums have gone multi-platinum like those of Jars of Clay, I guess my songs are really just second-rate. After all, we must judge our giftings based on their popularity with mankind, not their popularity with God.
I know that some people out there are disillusioned with Christian artists whose presentation in magazines, CD covers, and the web focuses on making a name for themselves, rather than making a name for Jesus. But not me! When I go to websites such as jarsofclay.com or marthamunizzi.com, I love it that these sites are
plastered with pictures and descriptions of the artists, but make little to no mention of the life that is in Jesus. Such websites are zealous to list the accomplishments and awards the artists have received, and with a style of one-upmanship boast of the ways in which the artist is better than everyone else. You’d think that this would be a big turn-off for me. But actually I love being able to wallow in self pity. You see, now that we are judging artists by the scope of their fame and "international acclaim", we must pity the poor inferior artists who have received only national acclaim. Or those like me, who have no acclaim. The scripture says, "Let another praise you, and not your own mouth." And I love how all my favorite CCM artists put this verse in action by devoting their websites to quoting the praises that others heap on them. What a saintly way to get folks to overlook how proud an artist is of their own abilities and accomplishments. For example, Jennifer Klein’s website displays this quote: "There’s something about her voice – perhaps, the clarity and purity of it – that fosters a sense of serenity and peace; a connection to the presence of God." Wow! Who needs Jesus to get to God anymore? We have the voice of Jennifer Klein! And isn’t that humble for her to include that quote on her website? Just like Moses, who the Bible says was the most humble man on earth! I think of Moses' example - instead of making himself out to be someone great, he humbly stepped back and waited. So God stepped in and solidified Moses' leadership through earthquakes, plagues, fire in the camp, and other signs. And I think about how Jesus did not seek his own glory. Instead, he stated that it was the Father's idea to have everyone honor the Son of God in the same way they honor the Father. How closely the lives of 21st century Christian artists follow the examples of Moses and Jesus! John the Baptist, whom Jesus said was the greatest among those born to women, said "He [Jesus] must become greater; I must become less." And today's Christianity raises the ante with, "He must become greater, and I will ride his coat-tails to become greater, too." There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
I'm tired of Christians who are zealous about making Jesus' name resound in the earth. I’d rather associate with Christians who are zealous about making their own name resound in the earth, like all my favorite CCM artists. I love how these artists put their own name and their own photo on their CD covers in order to draw attention to themselves instead of Jesus. That reminds me of a story about Jesus. I can see Jesus walking into the hallowed ground of the local Christian bookstore, picking up just about any ol' CCM CD, and saying, "Whose inscription is on this CD, and whose likeness is pictured here? God, or the artist?" We reply, "The artist." Then Jesus might say, "Then who is this CD bringing attention to, and for whom is this CD making a name in the earth? God, or the artist?" We reply, "The artist." Wow, isn't that a great story? It's almost as if Jesus is commanding us to market ourselves to the machine of worldly fame. It's like Michael Card observed: "You don't see any unattractive female Christian artists." There are none because we've finally figured out that the world's standards work better than God's standards. We now lift up people based on their outward beauty and their musical talents. No longer do we value inward character that causes an individual to follow the self-deprecating example of John the Baptist, "He [Jesus] must become greater, I must become less." Such sentiments are so outdated. This is the 21st century!
Ooops, gotta run. My dermatologist is expecting me.
This post is satire. I put this disclaimer in here for the benefit of younger readers who may take this post literally.
Satire mode on. Today I'm Martin Luther and Paul the Apostle combined.
I’ve finally figured it out! I’ve discovered the key to 21st century Christianity! Yes! I’ve discovered that to be a spiritual role model in the church that Jesus Christ started 1977 years ago, you have to be sexy! That’s right! Just look at all the beautiful Christian music artists out there. Oooh they’re hot! Boy, I could just watch them onstage all day. Forget what they’re singing…I just want to watch them! They are sizz-lin’! You see, we’ve finally discovered that the key to Christianity is outward appearance. The world’s been saying it all along, and we’re finally catching on. To become great in the kingdom of God, you gotta be SEXY!
Just think about it. If you’re a Christian teacher like Joyce Meyer, you don’t want saggy skin as you get older. Better get a face lift! And are you an average-looking teen with a killer voice looking for a career in the Christian music industry? Plastic surgery might get you in the door. Don’t forget breast enhancement...the bigger the better – the male constituency of your fan club will instantly double.
I remember the Biblical story of the prophet Samuel picking the successor to King Saul. He went to the house of Jesse to pick one of his sons. As Samuel was looking at each of the fine, handsome young lads in turn, he thought, "Surely this is the one!" But God told him, "People look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." Well, I guess this just goes to show that since the Christian church’s purpose is to please people, not God, then we need to put beautiful people on the stages of Christian churches everywhere.
I know that some people out there are disillusioned with Christian artists whose presentation in magazines, CD covers, and the web focuses on making a name for themselves, rather than making a name for Jesus. But not me! When I go to websites such as jarsofclay.com or marthamunizzi.com, I love it that these sites are
I'm tired of Christians who are zealous about making Jesus' name resound in the earth. I’d rather associate with Christians who are zealous about making their own name resound in the earth, like all my favorite CCM artists. I love how these artists put their own name and their own photo on their CD covers in order to draw attention to themselves instead of Jesus. That reminds me of a story about Jesus. I can see Jesus walking into the hallowed ground of the local Christian bookstore, picking up just about any ol' CCM CD, and saying, "Whose inscription is on this CD, and whose likeness is pictured here? God, or the artist?" We reply, "The artist." Then Jesus might say, "Then who is this CD bringing attention to, and for whom is this CD making a name in the earth? God, or the artist?" We reply, "The artist." Wow, isn't that a great story? It's almost as if Jesus is commanding us to market ourselves to the machine of worldly fame. It's like Michael Card observed: "You don't see any unattractive female Christian artists." There are none because we've finally figured out that the world's standards work better than God's standards. We now lift up people based on their outward beauty and their musical talents. No longer do we value inward character that causes an individual to follow the self-deprecating example of John the Baptist, "He [Jesus] must become greater, I must become less." Such sentiments are so outdated. This is the 21st century!
Ooops, gotta run. My dermatologist is expecting me.
This post is satire. I put this disclaimer in here for the benefit of younger readers who may take this post literally.
